Hold my Hand
by Puck's Favourite Girl
Summary: Zack's never been reliable and throughout the years he's broken more promises than Tipton vases. But there was always one promise he always kept. " This is a promise for forever Cody"


**A/N Kaaaaaay I actually have no idea where I got this from. I was literally sleeping and I suddenly woke up in the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, opened my laptop and started writing this. So basically this is a piece that came out at oh I don't know… 1 a.m? But I would like to give credit to two stories that I think inspired me but I'm not sure because this could just have been a dream I had or something like that. No Matter What by Ayns and Sky is an amazingly epic story of the Sisters Grimm. Even if you don't like the fandom I would still read it because it's basically a novel and it's amazing no joke. Also, Emergency, I can't remember the author but it's in the Wizards of Waverly Place fandom under Alex and Justin but it's a really cute story. Even if you've never seen the show you'd understand the story because it's just about their relationship. Anyhoo, enjoy!**

You promised you would always be there for me. Do you remember Zacky? Do you remember that I was always the scared little brother who always needed you to feel okay? Well guess what, nothing is okay anymore. Nothing is okay. I need you and its hurts to know that you broke that promise. The one promise you said you would never break. And you know what? I believed you. Goddamit I believed you! Grasping my slick face with my hands I shuddered to the floor in despair. You promised Zacky, you promised. Do you remember?

_**FLASHBACK**_

_Thunder boomed and crashed in our room making the monsters under the bed's roar even louder. Lightening exploded around me, flashing white then black just to start all over again. Pulling my thick comforter above my chin I whimpered pitifully. Damp hair stuck to my sweaty forehead and I could feel the tears making their way down my eye to accumulate on my nose just to drop to the pillow. Drip, drip, drip, drip. Five seconds later the world imploded as my vision went white for one whole minute. Biting my lip so hard I was sure I tasted blood, I just couldn't handle it anymore. I screamed. Terror ripped through me like a rabid dog without a leash. Sobbing now, I rocked myself back and forth in an effort to console myself and forget my fear. "It's okay Cody, its okay, its okay." It was like a mantra I kept on muttering to myself in a lousy attempt at comfort. _

_So caught up was I in my murmuring, I barely registered the light pitter patter of feet heading my way. Snapping my head up in fear I trembled in tears with relief. Zack. He had actually woken up. Normally it took an army bombing the streets to wake him up in the middle of the night. " Zacky." I whimpered, terrified._

_Little seven year old arms wrapped their way around me. Wispy light blonde hair tickled my face and I snuggled into the crook of his neck. Leaning on the headboard, he pulled me close to him and grabbed my hand. Rubbing the pad of his thumb gently on my knuckles he talked to me soothingly. "It's okay Codes, its okay, it's just a storm. Nothing bad, mommy's dinner casserole is a lot scarier than this little brother." I could feel him smiling and I hugged him tighter in response. _

_The boom of lightening however shocked me from my brief moment of laughter as I jumped in his arms and I could feel the tears dropping on his shoulder. Whimpering louder this time, I clung to him like a life raft. "Shh Cody, I'm here for you. Whenever you need me, I'll be there." His voice was like a Siren Song in a tyrannous sea._

_Lifting my tears-stained face up to his, I furrowed my little eye-brows in confusion. "Whenever I need you?" I asked in a small voice._

_I couldn't see his eyes in the darkness, but when the lightening flashed, I spotted the determination and goofy seven year old motivation. Nodding sharply he smiled. "I'll always be here Cody, I promise." _

_That night, I slept peacefully through a storm for the first time. Holding my brother, I closed my eyes and synchronized my breathing. "Thanks Zacky." I mumbled sleepily._

_That last thing I remembered of that night was him stroking my knuckles again. "Just remember my promise." _

A few days after that night, I had forgotten all about Zack's promise. We moved on and had fun and did our usual twin stuff. Sure we got mad at each other, but we could never stay mad at each other for long. It wasn't until two birthdays later that something happened.

_Throwing open the door in happiness I squealed, "Mooom! We're home! And we got our geography tests back!" smiling ear to ear, I wondered if it was possible for a smile to break._

_I was just so happy today, had just given back our tests and I got an A++! Which by the way, only the BEST students received. But that wasn't all. For the past week I had been tutoring Zack since this test counted for one third of our whole grade! Quizzing him on mountains and volcanoes until we fell asleep with exhaustion, my brother was rewarded an A-. His first really good grade in a long time. I just knew that mom and dad would be proud of us. We might even get to go for ice-cream! "Mom, dad! I'm even happy about the test! You gotta see it!" Zack yelled euphorically as he glanced left and right for our parents._

_That's when we heard it. The scream. "I can't take this anymore Kurt! You come home every night like your some party animal! We are a family, we have kids, or did you forget about them?" Mom's voice was harsh with frustration and outrage._

"_Don't you dare talk to me like that. You don't know what it's like in the music world!" Dad's voice sounded kind of weird and I wondered if he slept alright. He wasn't pronouncing words very well and he seemed unfocused._

"_I'm a singer Kurt! Of course I know what it's like! You know what? That's it. I'm through do you hear me? I'm through. If you really want the boys and me back then you have to earn it." The upstairs door slammed and I could feel the tremors right in my bones._

_Shuddering I looked at Zack. Twin expressions of grief and confusion were on our faces. Instinctively moving closer to my older brother I grabbed his arm. "Zack? What's happening?" my voice was small and scared, eyes filming over slightly._

"_I don't know buddy, but I'm sure it's nothing. Yeah, it' probably nothing." Even at nine years old, we were still young enough to live in denial. _

_Mom came storming down the stairs and when she saw our terrified expressions she burst into tears. "Oh boys…" running over, she hugged us both before leading us outside._

"_Mommy? Where are we going?" I asked frightfully._

"_I'm sorry honey, but we have to leave now." _

"_Leave? Leave where? I don't want to go, I like our house." Zack interjected with a whiny tone lacing his voice._

"_We'll talk later okay; right now we have to leave." Stomping over to the car she pulled open the door and motioned us in. _

_Not knowing what else to do, the two of us got in the back seat not even bothering to fight over who got to sit in the front. Sitting as close together as possible I clutched at Zack's arm seeking comfort. Zack merely moved his arm so I could hug it more comfortably before staring out the window in silence. Eyes blank and unfeeling. I didn't like seeing him that way. I didn't like it at all. But I didn't know how to make it better. Some days, I wonder if he already knew what was going on even then, he always was more perceptive than I ever was. _

_I had fallen asleep unknowingly and by the time I awoke it seemed that Zack had gotten over his funk and was shaking me awake gently. "Huhh? Where are we?" I mumbled tiredly._

"_Grandma's house." He answered. _

_I looked in his eyes, there was a fierce determination in them and I didn't know why. I climbed out the car and we made our way in the house. Hours later, we found ourselves in living room pull out couch, night spreading its gossamer wings around us as we lay in the bed curled in on each other. Zack and I finally figured out what was happening. Mom and Dad were getting a divorce. A divorce. I couldn't believe it. I really really couldn't. How could they be splitting up? They were our parents they couldn't do that to us! _

_Without me realizing it, I had burst into silent tears and was currently drowning the bed with my sobs. Like a soldier in the army Zack snapped into attention and hauled me up into a sitting position. "Cody. Cody listens to me. It's gonna be okay, we'll be okay. No matter what happens we'll always have each other." Grabbing my hand like he did all those years ago, he brushed my knuckles with his thumb and almost like magic I felt a comforting relief. _

"_Do you remember that promise Codes?" he asked me gently._

_I nodded shyly. "I told you I meant it. Everything's gonna be okay, you'll see. It'll all turn out alright." _

"_How do you know Zacky?" _

"_Because I'm older that's why. I know everything." _

"_You don't know algebra."_

_He sniffed mockingly. "Well I know everything that matters anyway." He chuckled lightly and suddenly my heart swelled with love._

"_Zacky?" I paused, "You don't have to pretend that you're not hurting too." I shifted so that I was hugging him while at the same time he was still holding my hand._

"_I have to be stronger Codes, I'm the older twin, and it's my job to take care of you. I promised you didn't me? I'll always be there." So we sat like that for some time, not doing anything but listening to each other's heartbeat and crying a little._

Well okay, I cried a lot and Zack sobbed for a bit too, we talked about our childhood and we comforted ourselves with each other's presence but looking back I realized that Zack did most of the comforting. Being the older twin meant protecting the younger and that's exactly what he did. When middle school started we were twelve years old. By then we were older than nine and we had come to terms with the divorce. We lived in the Tipton and we loved it. We loved it a lot… sometimes; it felt more like home than that old house ever did.

_I was crying again. Third time this week. Drew and his gang had ganged up on me again. Decided that they hated nerds and since I was a nerd, they hated me too. Because of that, they tormented me every day. On Monday it was just stealing my lunch money, that wasn't too bad because Zack had some extra so I wasn't that hungry. Wednesday was worse though. They stole my homework and vandalised my textbooks. The teachers yelled at me and gave me detention, but it was their disappointment that hurt the most. Today was the absolute worst though. Today, they actually hit me. Shrinking away from the mirror I couldn't stand to look at the mosaic of blue and purple that littered my chest and skinny little arms. They had pushed me against my locker and took turns punching me, calling me names like nerd, geek, and dork, worthless and much much worse things. Of course, since I was a weakling, I couldn't do anything but tear up and snot on them. Some kind of man I was. _

_Suddenly, the lock started jiggling and my eyes widened in horror. Oh no. Ohnoohnoohnoohnoohno. Where was my shirt? Twisting around frantically trying to locate the stupid button down shirt, I was too late when the door burst open as the lock gave way to the frantic picking of my twin. My back facing my brother I tried to seem nonchalant. "Umm Zack? I'm kind of changing." I tried to be lighthearted and forced a confused yet chill voice._

"_Turn around." His voice cut through me like ice._

"_Zack?" I asked frightened._

"_There's a rumor going around the school, said that the Drew Crew beat the crap out of some kid." His voice was neutral enough but I could sense the deep denial in them." Cody, if you don't turn around right now, I'll go over there and turn you myself." _

_Rotating slowly, I bowed my head in shame and let him watch the tears fall down and the bruises on my body. Kicking the door shut in anger he screamed in fury. "THOSE STUPID SONS OF-!" seeing my fearful expression he calmed down immediately and frowned slightly. "I'm sorry Cody, but the next time I see them I'm going to murder them." The ferociousness in his voice shocked me yet touched me all the same. "Zack…don't. I'll be fine." _

"_No! No one beats up MY little brother and expects to get away with it!" venom in his voice I shook my head vehemently. "No! Please! They'll only make it worse next time they gang up on me." I murmured miserably. _

_Sliding to the floor I put my head in my hands. "Cody?" his sadness broke the dam and I gushed out tears and confessions._

"_They've been doing it this past week and it'll only get worse if you confront them. Besides, there are five of them and only one of you, what if they hurt you too? It would be my entire fault." _

_Sitting down next to me he grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him. Dropping his hands down to my own he rubbed them gently with his thumb. The effect was instantaneous and the tears stopped leaking out of my eyes. " Cody let's get one thing straight. No one is allowed to hurt you. Do you get it? No one. Tomorrow the Drew Crew is gonna get their asses kicked and they're gonna get suspended do you hear me? I promised I'd always be there and this is me being there. You wouldn't want me to break my promise would you?"_

Honestly, I was shocked he still remembered that promise. It was what, five years ago? I was amazed and honestly touched that he still remembered and carried it out for all this time. So basically, he did kick their asses and they did get suspended and I realized what a great brother I really had. Whenever the going got tough, he was there. Like a knight in home-made armor he would come in and save the day. Even after the Drew incident, there were countless times he kept reminding me of that promise and countless times was I spared a lot of crying and misery because of him.

There was that time during the elections where afterwards he told me he had remembered his promise and how angry he got when everyone was making fun of me. I had never really loved my brother more than that moment… he had given up everything for me. Or the time after my breakup with Barbara he was there, comforting me all the way. But through it all we kept one thing, promise or not, maybe it was a twin thing, I didn't really know. But one thing that could make the world suddenly fit into place was when he grabbed my hand and brushed my knuckles. I guess over the years I had associated the gesture with love and comfort. It was during those times I thanked my lucky stars for giving me a twin who knew me inside out and who knew exactly how to make my world better.

I smile at the memories of all those times he kept his promise. Nowadays, my confidence had boosted up and I wasn't afraid of much knowing that Zack actually made me a promise and kept it, kept for seven years now. Or, well, he would have kept it for seven years if that drunk driver hadn't hit him on the sidewalk on our way home from Max's house. That was one week ago. The funeral had already happened and I had already bawled as much as I could. Now, now I was just miserable. I could still remember that damned day. And every time I remember I wish I hadn't gone over to Max's house. Or I wish that we had stuck around for another round of Smash Aliens Five. If we had just left five minutes later…

Right now, I was still numb, I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't do anything without being reminded of him. Now, whenever I go to sleep, I curl up on his bed and envelop myself in his blanket and just soak Zack's essence all up. Nowadays, I only cry at night where only Zack can see me. Because every night I relive that nightmare, I see the blood and I see the tears and I hear the screams but most of all, I can still feel his touch, brushing my knuckles and I hate it because I know he'll never do it again and I need him. I need my big brother. Now…now I'm bawling in his bed rocking myself back and forth and suddenly, that stupid nightmare explodes in my mind, wrenching me back to those horrible minutes where the one thing I loved most in the world was taken from me once and for all. 

"_Why do we have to walk home again?" I complained exasperatedly._

_Of course, I already knew why we were walking home at night from Max's house, but I was in a whiny mood and thus, I felt like annoying my brother. Zack huffed in annoyance," Because mom had a concert so we don't have a ride home." He told me for what must have been the millionth time. _

"_But it's faaaaar." I moaned._

_Zack slapped his face with his palm, "It's only a fifteen minute walk to the bus stop Cody, quit being a baby." Zack was a few paces ahead of me and I had to half jump have run to catch up with him._

"_Yeah yeah, I'm coming, I'm coming." I was only a bit behind him at that point and he turned slightly to smile at me._

_Eyes twinkling with mischief, he grinned conspiratorially as if a new prank took birth in that twisted mind of his. I leaned in eagerly to hear his new plan to get back at Moseby for banning us from the ice cream counter. Suddenly, that happy twinkle vanished and was replaced by raw fear that crackled in his ocean eyes and twisted his mouth in an O shape. Grabbing me roughly, he snaked his arms around my middle and shoved me like lightening. I tumbled to the ground with a crash and rolled away. What the hell? What was Zack doing? And then I heard it, the scream that changed my life. The scream of my dying twin. _

_My heart beat thumped louder and louder until all I could hear was my blood beating through my veins and the life stopping fear that threatened to consume me. Running tripped over some smoking debris and caught myself just in time. "Zack! ZACK! ZAAACK!" I screamed myself hoarse. _

_Smoke clouded my vision and I'm sure I cut myself on all the sharp edges poking out of everywhere, but I didn't care. All I cared about was my brother, Zack where are you? Finally, I found him. He lay five feet away from the mangled car and the light post that it hit. "No." I whispered in agony to myself. _

_Blood drowned him and his matty blonde hair was streaked with red and brown. "NO!" wrenching myself away from my spot I sprinted to his spot and collapsed to the pavement now stained with my brother's life. Gently placing his head on my lap, I could briefly hear the sirens screaming in the night. "Zack, Zack please open your eyes. The ambulance is coming, you're gonna be okay, just please please open our eyes. I can't do this, I can't live without you, Zack please!" wailing into the night I hugged his body to my chest and cried on his face. A cough disrupted me for a minute and my eyes widened with hope. "Zacky." I murmured, tears still pouring from my eyes._

_Bravely, he smiled and grabbed my hand. "Hey Codes." He whispered. "Cody…Cody I'm not going to make it." He looked apologetic and mournful while I howled in denial._

"_No! The doctors are gonna fix you, I promise, you're going to be fine, you're going to wake up and play sports and tease me and pay video games and…and…you won't leave me." I hung my head in despair._

_Rubbing his thumb on my scarred knuckles Zack smiled. "Codes listen to me. I promised I'd always be there for you, even when I'm gone I'll never leave you. I'll always be there for you little brother…I love you Codes." His eyes fluttered shut and I pulled him to me. "I love you too big brother…I'm gonna miss you." _

_With that, Zack parted with a totally Zack and totally cocky answer. "Yeah, I know." With one last wink, I saw that mischievous twinkle in his eyes once more and he stopped breathing. The hand that was holding mine fell to the ground with a thud and Zack's spirit rose to heaven. But one thing remained, the all-knowing smile on his face stayed there, it stayed there while I sat under the dim light of the broken lamp post clutching his body like a toddler and it stayed while they placed him in the casket to be placed in the ground to sleep forevermore. _

It's been a week that he's been dead and a week since I've gone outside. I loved my twin; I loved him with everything I had. But Zack told me he would always be with me and my brother didn't lie about things like this. Maybe I would never play video games with him and maybe I would never prank Moseby with him but one thing I did know is that he would want me to move on and do all the things he never got a chance to do. That day, I walked all the way back to the light post and sat there for a bit. I was still sad and I still missed him. But I hoped that coming back here would let me get over the numbness that ruled my life. Zack loved being happy, he loved having fun and most of all, he loved life. I refused to dishonor his memory by wallowing in my misery, Zack may be gone but he would never leave.

At that moment, a light otherworldly breeze tickled my face and placed what I felt like was a feather light kiss on my forehead. Maybe I was imagining things, but I swear I could hear Zack's laugh. When I left the lamppost where everything changed, I felt lighter. And when the breeze blew and brushed my knuckles I knew that one day, I would see my twin again.


End file.
